I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Randomize
