matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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