I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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