my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
