You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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