Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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