Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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