Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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