i would punch a child for taco bell
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Randomize
