When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
