Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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