1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
