If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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