You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
