I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I pour the whiskey from now on
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
