you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
