He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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