my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
