I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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