i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
