if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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