I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
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I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
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Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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