So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
