I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
