Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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