Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
