It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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