today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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