I think my fart just growled at me.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
