dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
