did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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