my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
