So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
