I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
