It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Everything about him screamed your future.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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