never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
