Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize