i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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