Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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