Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Still dying that you shit outside
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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