Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I think I have vodka in my lungs
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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