my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
