Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it hurts more in the daytime
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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