So drunk its hurt
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
