I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
