I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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