Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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