At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
