New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
