I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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