Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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