i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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