And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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